Thursday, 16 October 2014

Sleep Paralysis, A Sufferer's View

I heard that rushing air sound, a whooshing in my ears and fear started in me as my heart began to pump faster and quickly I opened my eyes. I looked around in apprehension. I knew that sound. Still feeling sleepy despite the fear I changed position and tried to go back to sleep.

It came again. Not immediately. But not too long after either. I could hear my heart beat in increase in fear and I quickly opened my eyes and stood up. I picked up my phone cursed Power Holding for holding as usual in recent times and switched on my mobile data. Not much was happening on social media. Everyone was asleep I guess. I read the few posts and tweets I found and dropped back the phone. My eyes ached I needed to sleep. I drew the curtains to the side it to let in fresh air, it was a bit hot.

Back in bed I closed my eyes again and immediately the sound returned. So did the fear, and my heart responded to the distress but this time I couldn't open my eyes or move again. I knew it/they were here. I felt foolish. How could I have forgotten where that sound came from? They had taken a little break and I had gone and almost forgotten.

I felt someone slide into bed with me, I felt the mattress compress and then the pain of being compressed, being crushed started. I was lying on my side backing whatever whoever was behind me but my back felt like it had concrete sitting on it. My heart beat went wild to keep up with my fear and with the corner of my eye I saw someone walk pass the window. I had gone through this a thousand times watched this play a thousand times but somehow it never gets better or easier to handle.

I remembered someone from a sleep paralysis forum said he had tried to quell the fear and ask whatever it was what it wanted. Lucky him. I was in panic mode now and praying and struggling to open my eyes and get up. For though i knew i could see i knew the angle at which i saw was not my normal sight line and that my eyes were closed. I switched between English and Tiv in prayer incoherent even to me.

And then it was over and I was up, eyes wide open, off the bed and standing almost in tears. How can one be so helpless. From 13 years till now is a terribly long time to suffer what you don't know and can't explain. Reading medical journals about sleep paralysis makes me mad. Can't they just admit they don't know what the heck it is?

I looked at the time almost 4am. I opened the door and went outside. Immediately the dog started barking. I called her. She is sitting here by my feet as I type. My back still aches. It will stop later or at most in a couple of days. This attack didn't last least I felt it didn't.

What exactly is this? What does it mean? Why does it happen? Why to just a few of us? Who are they? What do they want? Why is there such an overwhelming sense of fear when they come? How come it only happens when you are alone? Why does it happen when you are about to fall asleep or just waking up? What makes them go away at times for months and then return? Why can't they ever just say what they hell it is they want?

Somehow I don't think I want to know the answer to that. The feeling that comes over me when it happens is open your eyes and stand up before its too late.

What exactly is sleep paralysis? And please don't tell me any REM stories.

Friday, 26 September 2014

One Cold Rainy Day (Part 2 of 4)

Ego frowned when she saw who was calling. Trust him to be the one to add to your misery she thought crossly. She had never known a more annoying man in all of her life. The funny aspect was Mr Jake was very handsome and she used to like him a lot and dream about being his girlfriend. The first day he stopped beside her as she walked home from the bus stop and said hello she had been so giddy and flustered that she didn't realise she was incoherent until he asked if she stammered.

She had reluctantly given her number but almost died with happiness when he called later. He told her he fell in love with her the moment he saw her and though she didn't believe him the words warmed her heart and for a few days she had floated around happily that even friends had noticed and asked her why she was always absent minded and smiling. On phone she was cool with him and refused every invitation to go out or visit his house which was just down her street but she loved the attention and dreamt big dreams about becoming his woman.

That was until she saw him visit Aunty Amanda in the office and the love she felt for him suffered a landslide. That whole day she had worked in a daze trying not cry telling herself she wasn't a child and shouldn't have expected him to be unattached even though he told her many times he didn't have a girlfriend. She felt a bit of contempt for him too that he wasn't even Aunty Amanda's main man or constant visitor. It was not a good day for her love for him and it showed greatly in her responses to him when he called but he seemed not to even notice. That was strike 2. After that she became cold towards him but deep in her heart she knew the love she had had for him was still there still smoldering.

Jake heard the sadness in her voice the moment she said that nonchalant hello. Normally he ignored  or refused noticing or asking women how they were feeling. It was a recipe for bullshit he did not have time nor the patience for but not today. Today he was a desperate man. So he asked her what was wrong and refused to accept the 'nothing' she offered and 3 minutes later he was listening to her cry and try to make sense of the story of frustration she was relating. He told her he was coming over to pick her and if she didn't come out he would come in.

He drove out there immediately but wasn't sure which particular house and he wasn't sure she would come out. It was a pleasant surprise to see her peeping from a gate on the left holding a tiny umbrella. The moment she got into the car she announced she wasn't going to his house to which he promptly told her she needed air so he was talking her to the lake.

Ego looked at Mr Jake from under her lashes they were walking by the lake under a large umbrella he held in his left hand while his right hand rested loosely on her shoulders and he kept telling her that things would be fine. She had never seen or thought of him as a caring person and felt touched and happy and grateful that someone understood what she was going through.

E : The rain is splashing on your jeans
J : See how you care about me? It splashed on your beautiful legs but its this jeans you are concerned with
E : (laughing) I can rinse my legs easily but you don't look like someone who likes washing
J : Ok today I will wash your legs and wash this jeans and mop the mud we take home

He said it in a carefree tone, things were going fine and he didn't want her slipping back to her usual reluctant manner.

E : (Her tone becoming serious and low) I am not going to your house

Jake stopped and turned to look at her holding the umbrella with both hands and lifting it high above them. She looked down twisting her hands

J : Look at me. Are you afraid of me? Do you think I would hurt you have I tried to force you to do anything? Look at me

Reluctantly she looked up at him and shook her head.

J : Then come and visit me if after 5 minutes you don't like it I will take you home.....I don't want to be arrested for giving you a cold in this

She smiled and slowly nodded.

Her heart was beating madly she wasn't sure she was getting enough oxygen when they got back into the car and even though he kept changing CDs and asking her which she liked it was a strained drive back to his house. It was a huge house just as she had imagined and she stood off by the door until he came and dragged her walking her straight into his bedroom when he felt her start to pull back he told her to go into the bathroom lock the door add a chair if she wanted and take a hot shower while he fixed her a cup of tea.
She looked at him unsure, he pulled at her hand gently leading her into the bathroom

J : Just drop your dress into the dryer and by the time you are done it will be dry and you can wear it. I promise I won't break down the door I promise I won't even come back into the room until you come out to the sitting room ok?

Without waiting for a reply he turned and walked out closing the door behind him. Ego stood there confused and  wondering what to do next. Then she locked the door and turned around to look at the bathroom. She felt cold and a hot shower sounded like a very good idea.

Jake thought he was just about due for an award as Mr Patient. There was a bit of fun in this cat and mouse game but he was really getting bored now. He went into the guest bathroom and showered then returned to the kitchen to get the tea going.

The first thing the girl said to him when she came out of the room was
"You have a girlfriend" and immediately he denied it wondering what she had seen to bring that on.
"Yes you do....Aunty Amanda!"
"Amanda?... lol, She is my cousin....why did you say that"
"Your cousin?....I saw you in her office,  I work there"
" Yes she is my that what you thought that I have a girlfriend?"

Feeling shy and stupid she nodded. He came to her and hugged her and though she hung her hands by her side she didn't try to move away. Which he counted as a good sign. Amanda his cousin! Hilarious.  One had to think on his feet though. He hoped that was the end of the Amanda angle.

"Come sit down let me get you a cup of tea its really cold"

When Ego woke up it was already getting dark.

One Cold Rainy Day (Part 1 of 4)

Jake was thoroughly bored. Nothing worse than waking up to a cold cold rainy Saturday with nothing to do. It was well into the day but the rain that had started before his alarm went off by 6am showed no sign of relenting. It was cold and he was bored and lonely. He thought about Amanda and wondered what she was doing....probably someone or the other. He had never come across a girl that lied so much but funnily he admired her greatly. She was a fantastic lover cook and home keeper if you could get her to stay still for a bit. Although she was also the most promiscuous human he had ever met he felt she would make a good wife. After marrying her of course he would have to cure her of a few things....he smiled at the thought.

Then sighed. How did that help this hard-on. He had tried calling 3 other girls but it seemed it was ignore Jake Saturday. The only one that picked up the phone said she was on her way to visit her sick mum. This was a girl that asked him for money if she needed to go visit a friend in the same city but conveniently forgot to collect transport to go see a sick mother....hadn't she collected money to go bury her mum once? He wasn't sure maybe it wasn't her. But it sure was Ignore Jake Saturday.

That was when he remembered Ego. That slip of a girl that always paid no attention to his advances. When it didn't irritate him it amused him that it was a mere 22 year old that was taking him for such a ride. She returned his gifts, and ignored him after saying Hello when she saw him. She would take his calls and answer hmm, yes, no till he got tired and cut off the line. She wasn't even in the league of his usuals. He wondered what the silly girl was up to now and picked up his phone.

Ego laid in bed trying not to cry. The endless rain was adding to her annoyance and sorrow. All her friends were in the university all of them and here she was still unable to get a credit in Mathematics on her fourth attempt. Sometimes she felt there was a plot against her how come it was the same Mathematics she always managed to fail was it harder than the Physics that she had once gotten a B in? All she wanted was a C even a 6 would do fine but not even a pass it was another F staring at her. What would she do she thought frantically.

She didn't want to work as tea-girl all her life despite the fact that the expatriates she worked with paid well and had given her accommodation. She wanted to be like Aunty Amanda dress sharply and be a top executive.....ok she didn't want to have so many men visiting her in her office when she got one but she did want to be intelligent like Aunty Amanda. She was kind too and always laughing and happy. She had even taught her how to add slices of cucumbers and make a glass of water seem like something else and also a dash of ginger into tea. People appreciated that and she got tips. It was very doubtful that the woman had started with 4 failed WAEC attempts Ego thought miserably pulling her blanket around her shoulders and watching the rain through the window. That was when she heard her phone ringing.

Thursday, 7 August 2014


The Nigerian Postal Service and I have had an up and down relationship, from a very happy one when I was in primary and secondary school and had pen pals all over the world. My letters got delivered and replies reached me even if it took a month, to the very sad events of a year ago when  some nifty NIPOST workers decided to help themselves to some of my items before I got there and met everyone with a blank face.

I have been itching to write them a very lousy but true review but never got around to it until someone was 'gisting' me about the changes in the service and asked me to try them again. If you buy stuff outside the country and try to ship it back home that's when you will realize there are plenty problems but none as big as the problem called a NIGERIAN.

An average Nigerian in business will show you no courtesy, no respect and if his/her business is in demand know it that you are entitled to a double dose of disrespect. First you spend hours if not days reading horror stories of what this and that shipping company did to people then you eventually settle on one for lack of options. Their websites will make you wonder, their customer service will put the fear of God in you. But know it that your troubles just got started.


I bought my stuff and had it sent by USPS priority mail from Canada to Nigeria. It had a 3.28kg weight. I checked customs on the item and discovered it had no tax or VAT. Stored away that information for when I would receive the item. The package was posted on 23rd of July. A week later (6 days actually) out of boredom (I had decided it might take a month to get here) i checked to see where it had gotten to. The tracking number worked on both the USPS site and the NIPOST site. To my surprise I saw the package had arrived Nigeria and was with Customs. Next day I checked again it had cleared customs and was at the post office. Following day 30th July I saw it had reached Wuse post office which is the post office in my area. I waited a few days to see if the Post Office would contact me but nobody did so on the 5th of August I went there showed my tracking number and was promptly given my package and a receipt for the 500 Naira I was charged.

Yes I am still pleasantly surprised on how fast the package got here. Only drawback is the cost. I paid $80 postage. The beauty of it was that not one item was missing or handled badly. In fact the package looked untouched. Just the way I like it :-D

I would have given NIPOST a perfect 10 score for the service (Please note that USPS ended when it entered Nigeria and was then handled by :-p ) but I will give them 8 of 10. I am deducting those 2 points for the dusty office, badly dressed workers yapping at the top of their voices and for having to walk into a passage way to get my package. They should have taken the tracking number, gone in and brought out my package. Ok I will return back 1 point for the large complex' (though most of it looks un-used and ill-used) parking space. Finding parking space in that area can be a pain so its a 9/10.

NIPOST WELL DONE on this one at least. I will be back again.

If you have had any experiences with NIPOST please share.

I sent some items through two shipping companies ShippyMe(Circuit Atlantic) and Luxury Shipping Lines they are both on -3 already and the stuff isn't even here yet. Will keep you posted ;-)

Friday, 11 July 2014

Got your Legal Paypal account in Nigeria Yet?

Yeah Paypal at very long last has reached Nigeria. Ok that's old news that happened a month ago but not everyone who wants to has been able to find Nigeria on the list. Yep I couldn't find it either and went a-searching and tarah!

The way an e gives very different meanings to :
Please note all payments are in Naira AND
Please not all payments are in Naira
is the same way we couldn't find Nigeria. Ok maybe not exactly that way but I have been looking for where to play that in :-D

End story. Get started sign up for Paypal

Monday, 24 March 2014

The Perfect Male

Doctor Martin Lester smiled from ear to ear as his many achievements in robotics were listed and friends and colleagues seated close by patted him heartily on the back. He stood to rousing applause when his name was finally called and walked to the podium shaking perhaps a dozen hands on his way. He was sharply dressed, he looked immaculate, he felt immaculate.

It was a great day. He, Doctor Lester who once lived in an orphanage for 6 years even though to the best of his knowledge he wasn't orphaned, was now the most talked about scientist on the planet. And rightly so. He had designed the Robot of all robots. He felt a bit miffed that his creation still had to be listed as a robot where one could mistake it for the common house chore robots that littered every household. At least the term 'best robot' in the world set it apart from ordinary rag tag robot designs.

It wasn't every day the perfect robot man was designed. In fact there was hardly any robot with a distinguishable sex until his perfectly male robot. A robot designed to be the perfect man, gentlemanly, loving, caring, patient, hardworking,  a listener, a friend, a protector and a great lover. Haha! he swore at his parents, a father he never knew and a mother who wouldn't take an 8 year old baggage to her new life of a husband and a real home.

He had come a long way from all that. Today he was the greatest man alive. A man who had solved the great problem of what women really wanted. He had created the perfect man. As he stood there talking about his creation and his great vision for the future, he looked around at the great mass of because of him. Little ginger haired Martin of the freckles and pimples. Indeed he had come a long way from scholarships and awards through three marriages and divorces. He had left his bad days behind.

Or at least that was what he thought until it was time for questions and an impeccably dressed female at the back who's face he couldn't see raised her hand. He wondered who she was and why the crowd seemed to turn around with such intensity to hear her speak. When however a mic got to her and her voice rang out through the speakers he felt his heart plummet and saw himself again standing again at the orphanage wondering what he had done wrong.

"Tell me Doctor Lester how does a man with 3 failed marriages and a recorded history of violence design the perfect male? Through experience perhaps? And is this a perfect male by your standards or by the standards of females?"

The audience turned as one back to Martin when his third and ex wife gave up the mic. It was as if she was sure she wouldn't need to say anything more no matter his reply.

Martin Lester stood watching his mother drive away that sunny day with his little green box by his side and the huge fat woman he would call Mama for 6 years rubbing a soothing hand in his bright ginger head. What had he done wrong.

Sunday, 2 March 2014

Wisdom Is An Asset

There was this woman who had a young man flirting with her. She appreciated his attentions but could not take it forward for you see she was older and married and living with her husband.

One day however she deviced an indigenous plan. She decided to visit her daughter who was also married but lived miles and miles away. She invited this young man to join her on the travel. He, of course gladly accepted.

So she arrived her daughter's home with the young man in tow. Her daughter didn't understand who the young man with her mother was but was too respectful to ask. Her husband who she felt would have enquired was out of town. She twisted her hands and hoped for her husband to return early when her mother requested only one room be prepared for her and her young male.

Two days later to the poor girl's great relief her husband returned. She told him what was going on and immediately he called his mother in-law to order threatening to report the events to his father in-law at their very next meeting. The woman in anger left the very next day with her beau in tow.

A week after his mother in-law left he received a very terse letter from his wife's father summoning him to come over immediately. The young went to see his god-father and told him of the events passed. His god-parent told him he had done right, foolishly. He adviced him if he loved his wife and wished to keep her he should act with wisdom when he faced his in-laws.

When the young man arrived at his parents in-law his greetings were returned coldly. He sat facing both of them and the following discussion ensured.

Man: My father in-law I greet you mother of my beautiful wife I greet you too. Pray I have met you two in good health?

Mother in-law: Hmm!

Father in-law: I wish it was so. Let us not beat about the bush. I will like to know why you wanted to rape my wife, mother of your wife. Did we do wrong by giving you our daughter?

Man: Ahhhh my father please forgive me

Mother in-law: forgive you indeed! (scoffs)

Man: You see how beautiful your wife see how much your daughter takes after her. I was away for days and missed my wife I couldn't wait to get back to her and when I did I couldn't wait to hold her. I didn't realise my mother in-law had come to visit, you see and out of the great respect we always show her your daughter put her in our room. I thought it was my wife I was know how beautiful and young and so like my wife she looks, until she screamed I thought it was my wife I....

Mother in-law: (cutting in) That is exactly what happened my husband!

And the young man returned to his wife and they lived  happily ever after.