Thursday, 16 October 2014

Sleep Paralysis, A Sufferer's View

I heard that rushing air sound, a whooshing in my ears and fear started in me as my heart began to pump faster and quickly I opened my eyes. I looked around in apprehension. I knew that sound. Still feeling sleepy despite the fear I changed position and tried to go back to sleep.

It came again. Not immediately. But not too long after either. I could hear my heart beat in increase in fear and I quickly opened my eyes and stood up. I picked up my phone cursed Power Holding for holding as usual in recent times and switched on my mobile data. Not much was happening on social media. Everyone was asleep I guess. I read the few posts and tweets I found and dropped back the phone. My eyes ached I needed to sleep. I drew the curtains to the side it to let in fresh air, it was a bit hot.

Back in bed I closed my eyes again and immediately the sound returned. So did the fear, and my heart responded to the distress but this time I couldn't open my eyes or move again. I knew it/they were here. I felt foolish. How could I have forgotten where that sound came from? They had taken a little break and I had gone and almost forgotten.

I felt someone slide into bed with me, I felt the mattress compress and then the pain of being compressed, being crushed started. I was lying on my side backing whatever whoever was behind me but my back felt like it had concrete sitting on it. My heart beat went wild to keep up with my fear and with the corner of my eye I saw someone walk pass the window. I had gone through this a thousand times watched this play a thousand times but somehow it never gets better or easier to handle.

I remembered someone from a sleep paralysis forum said he had tried to quell the fear and ask whatever it was what it wanted. Lucky him. I was in panic mode now and praying and struggling to open my eyes and get up. For though i knew i could see i knew the angle at which i saw was not my normal sight line and that my eyes were closed. I switched between English and Tiv in prayer incoherent even to me.

And then it was over and I was up, eyes wide open, off the bed and standing almost in tears. How can one be so helpless. From 13 years till now is a terribly long time to suffer what you don't know and can't explain. Reading medical journals about sleep paralysis makes me mad. Can't they just admit they don't know what the heck it is?

I looked at the time almost 4am. I opened the door and went outside. Immediately the dog started barking. I called her. She is sitting here by my feet as I type. My back still aches. It will stop later or at most in a couple of days. This attack didn't last least I felt it didn't.

What exactly is this? What does it mean? Why does it happen? Why to just a few of us? Who are they? What do they want? Why is there such an overwhelming sense of fear when they come? How come it only happens when you are alone? Why does it happen when you are about to fall asleep or just waking up? What makes them go away at times for months and then return? Why can't they ever just say what they hell it is they want?

Somehow I don't think I want to know the answer to that. The feeling that comes over me when it happens is open your eyes and stand up before its too late.

What exactly is sleep paralysis? And please don't tell me any REM stories.